A (Hopefully) Forgivable Humorous Interlude

January 7, 2007

This is a post my pastor, Tom Chantry, put on his Pastor’s Blog a few months ago. Hope you all find it humorous!

I put something like this together years ago, and my former pastor recently asked if I could recall it to mind and put it on paper again. Reformed churches are so distinct that they are certain to produce cultural anomalies in their kids. If you’ve been around any of our churches for a few years, you should understand most of this. If you’ve grown up in one of our churches and can read this without sympathetic laughter, you’ll be the first. If none of it makes sense, remember this post isn’t really meant to teach anything, just a chance for one of the former RB kids to have a little fun at our own expense:

Signs You Just May Have Grown Up
in a Reformed Baptist Church

-You alienated every other family in the neighborhood when you told all the other kids that Santa Claus was an idolatrous lie.

-You’ve had plenty of conversations about “Calvin” in which “Hobbes” was never mentioned.

-You have never, ever glued a metallic fish to the bumper of your car.

-When your Sunday School class colored pictures of Noah’s Ark, you added bodies in the water for accuracy’s sake.

-The name “Spurgeon” doesn’t make you think of the medical profession.

-You don’t know any of the hymns in the seven hundreds. (You don’t really like the ones in the six hundreds, either.)

-You know what preachers are talking about when they mention “Mr. Talkative” or “Doubting Castle.”

-You knew the life story of Martin Luther long before you ever heard of Martin Luther King.

-The first time you walked the aisle of a church was at your wedding.

-When you hear the word “Puritan,” something other than “witch hunt” flashes through your mind.

-You’ve heard more stories about William Carey than Charles Finney.

-You could never understand why the “angels” in your neighbor’s front yard nativity scenes had wings.

-While you’ve never petitioned for a public display of the Ten Commandments, you can actually name all ten.

-You’ve never heard Billy Graham preach.

-There was no point in your life at which you wondered if a “chief end” was a football player.

-You’ve heard more sermons on Romans than on Revelation.

-You can listen to a preacher quote A.W. Pink and not even think about the color.

-You can sing “How Sweet and Awful Is the Place” without ever wondering “Why is it awful?”

-You’ve never seen the Super Bowl live.

-You were long convinced that Karol Wojtyła was the antichrist. (Now you wonder if it wasn’t Joseph Ratzinger all along.)

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2 Responses to “A (Hopefully) Forgivable Humorous Interlude”

  1. Miss Stephanie Says:

    Well, I’m not technically a Baptist, but I do agree with 5 of your points! :)

  2. Matt Wells Says:

    Well, actually, it’s not my writings, it’s my pastors. I do understand all of them though


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